Staying

A decision I didn't make lightly.

Despite almost tasting freedom.
Despite being adamant and determined about leaving and seeing beyond asia.
Despite feeling disappointment when I hear that my friends are jetting off somewhere for a break.

Yes, I saw it as an escape route for me. From the disappointments, frustrations, expectations, demands. And the golden chance to experience other cultures. On my own.

Not so much for the qualification. Not so much for career advancement. Even though that would be sweet.

I think I have always chosen to do it the tough way. Though there's an easier road, another more promising option, and yet other highly approved ones.

You can call it self-handicapping. By limiting myself to above average choices but not the best. So I stop reaching for the highest point. Because I'm scared that when I reach the peak, I'll fall apart.

But recently I realized that that it isn't so. I'm strong enough to not fall apart. Because I won't let me do it.

I'm staying not because I'm afraid of success.
I'm staying not because I'm not able to let go.
I'm staying not because I'm a noble idiot.
I'm staying not because I want to prove my capabilities.

I'm staying because...why not?

Why not use this to my best advantage and stretch myself where I wanna see myself doing in the future?
Why not since I'll need the extra 2 years for a better chance at the scholarship anyway?
Why not since I think I can build a better foundation for sustainability?

The temptation to go after beautiful stuff, dreamy ideals is unbearably alluring. Irresistible.
And with peer pressure to enjoy life when you're young and carefree; and elderly expectations to start planning and working towards material and status success, it makes it even more exhausting to want to soldier on. Very demotivating.

The hardest part is when you start to question yourself. When you know you're doing the right thing.
Worse than when you fend off unwanted criticisms.

At this moment, I just hope that in future when I look back, I'll look back with pride and contentment. That I made the right choice.

That I'm staying because I see that I can become a better me.