Volunteer researcher

It's an enlightening experience. An awakening.

They don't expect you to put in more than you could. They don't expect you to put in more than you should. Even when it seems like you are not going to complete the project you started. They are not out to squeeze you dry.

Rather, they try to be supportive. They are so appreciative of you putting in your time and effort they take what you can offer. They don't demand excellence and perfection in your work.

It's either my volunteer manager is too trusting, or is a doormat. Though I don't think he's the latter.

My conscience won't allow me to pass on incomplete work. Sub par yes, I've done it one too many times. But not incomplete work. My sense of responsibility won't allow that.

And my ego won't allow that.

Procrastination, arrogance and ego altogether is a bad combination.

Now the perfectionist in me won't let me forgive myself. I'm ashamed of what I've put out.

And his understanding and support is not helping me feel any better about myself. It might relief me of my responsibilities, but it doesn't relieve me of my sense of responsibility.

Yet, the volunteer and work culture here won't let me put in more than I could so that I could make things right, on my own terms.

I'm given the raised eye brow, the scrutiny, whenever I said I could work another day.
If I don't eat lunch, I'm ordered to take lunch break.
When I'm sick, I'm told to stay put at home.
When I said I wouldn't be able to finish the whole report, I was told it was okay and work with what I could.
And every time, I'm told that there's no pressure. That they don't want to stress me out.
Yet, they still have faith that I will do a decent job. They still trust me to do my job. Which is amazing, coz it prevents me from slacking too much, keeps me on my toes.

So different to what I'm used to doing back home. So different to what I still subscribe to.

I want to be assimilated to these views, these principles. It is so... human.

But I also know that it won't work where I'm going back to. It's not the overworking part that is the issue. It's rather the opposite that you won't get anything done.

I was looking forward to more self-reliance and self-discipline in my work attitude, and in some little ways I have. I have yet to overcome the procrastinator in me. I have also yet to overcome the self-sabotaging side of me when things get scary for me. I have yet to breakthrough that invisible wall that is I'm afraid of achieving greatness. I have yet to cultivate that courage to face failure in the process of striving for greatness.

I am weak. But I pretend I'm not.

I'm so used to putting up a brave front that I forget that it's perfectly fine to not do that. That my reflex is always to react like that.

What a fool I am.