How are you?

How do you actually answer that question: "How are you?"

"Fine"?
"Good"?
"Okay"?
"Not bad"?
"Great"?

especially when you're not okay, when you're not good, when you're so stressed up you feel like exploding into pieces?

you feel like telling someone you're not doing well, that you're having a really hard time, that you're hanging by a thread...but you can't.

coz they'll start asking questions. coz they'll get curious. coz they'll not know what to say after that. coz they'll try to listen to your concerns and you don't know if they're really listening. coz you don't feel comfortable telling them about your dirty laundry not because you don't trust them but because you just don't want to burden them and spoil the mood.

and a lot of times, it's just not always about you. people have their own worries and issues and they want an outlet for themselves too. and they just want some time to have fun and not think about what's bothering them. and that timing is just not right for you to tell them and start talking about how you're feeling and how you're doing in your life.

i kind of don't like this question really. i don't know, but it seems to me that i always get asked this question when i'm having a hard time. and it makes me even more depressed and down and stressed and suffocated when i can't breathe a word about it.

is it just me? is it my problem? is it my trust issues again?

lately, i've not been doing well. emotionally, mentally, physically. for the most part, emotionally. and it affects the whole of me.

and when i was asked how i was doing, i just answered: "not bad"..."okay"...to those who don't know me well.

but with my best friends, i told them: "not very good, but still coping, still hanging in there" and talked a bit about what's happening vaguely. and it made me feel a bit better.

yes, i may not be able to talk about it as much as i need to, coz i didn't want to do that. but to be able to say something, to anyone, made me feel a bit better. not much, but a bit better.

i know it's a polite thing to do, to ask somebody how they're doing. but sometimes, it's just not the thing i want to be asked about. and sometimes, it's not what i wanna ask someone about either.

yeah, i'm weird that way.