children

it's been weird lately.

1st, it was that talk about having kids and the risks and genetic hereditary.
then, it was that question about existence of a boyfriend and that compliment about baking interest.
and then, it was that revelation about her boyfriend and her marriage.
and then later, it was that question about age, the possibility of being the youngest among us all.
and then there's that fondness for children; and the lack of confidence in being the suitable mother for the kids.

i love kids. but i'm not too sure about marriage. heck, i'm not even sure about dating.
i love kids. but i'm afraid of doing them wrong if i make any mistakes that will scar them for a long time, hopefully not forever.
i love kids. but i have this constant fear that i could not give them the attention they deserve with my responsibilities.

worrying and fearing about what might or might not come in years later, i know, is irrational.
but i can't help it.

what i think right now is, no matter how much i love having children, i'd not get married just to have one.
i'd rather not have any if i can't be confident that i could devote as much time and attention as they need.
i'd rather not have any if i have doubts.
i'd rather not have any if i am not confident i could cope with all the responsibilities if......

p.s. don't misunderstand or over-interpret this. it's just how i feel about this and nothing more.
what lar mt...over-extend pulak. now i'm embarrassed. and baffled.