Dilemmas

2nd week into the work, and so many thoughts and ideas and conflict of interests arose.

It has been only a lot of thinking and connecting with people and organisations. And that's the easy but challenging thing.

Sieving through the noise, clashing perspectives and principles, getting to the heart of the message; while at the same time trying to build trust and rapport. And sometimes trying too hard to connect with them on the same level so that you can inspire people to share your vision or become interested in your ideas. Which the latter is obviously impossible to accomplish.

And then I start to wonder if it is all worth the effort. I start to wonder if I'm able to do the job justice. I start to wonder if I'm up for the challenge.

And I just told myself last week that I am. That whatever anxiety I felt is good for me and for the organisation because it meant that I was taking it seriously and is looking forward to the job.

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Left the above alone without posting. And it's been a week since then.

Just a moment ago, I realised that this is actually a lonely job.

Yes, I get to network with other organisations and people working there.
Yes, I get to build relationships with other practitioners based on the existing goodwill of the organisation.
Yes, I get to work together with people who have similar passion in the field.
Yes, I get to potentially get people and organisations to collaborate together on worthy initiatives.

But...

I am only one person in this organisation made up of organisations. Who are bound to have people who are vocal and are in decision-making positions that don't share the same vision for the same world.
I am only one person doing all the leg work of things I feel strongly for.
I am only one person whose duty and responsibility remains with the organisation and its purpose, when other members don't have the same obligation.
I am one person, and I am in a position where I find difficult to share my burdens about the job with people who are in but not with the organisation. And it's hard.
I am one person, who is the planner, the implementor, and the evaluator.

It is now that I begin to realise and feel how lonely and how tough this job is.

And I realised that I am a person that still seeks approval for what I do. I think I crave it even. When I've been told that that is not the case with the nature of this job.

I still need time to navigate this maze of
1) working in parallel with the organisation's objectives, and in collaboration with various organisations;
2) knowing what I am capable of and what I am not, yet push myself just enough without burning myself out;
3) focusing on the needs of the people I am serving;
4) my feelings of insecurity and lack of confidence;
5) filtering out noise, from outside and from within;
and find my footing.

And it's very important that I don't lose track of the objective and start to feel comfortable with certain arrangements and work conditions.

And I need to learn to set myself goals to achieve, that I be the one to critically evaluate my own performance. Not too hard actually. Unless the desire to please overtakes that exercise.

I said to myself when I started the job that I am willing to be led by God, and that I'm happy to be doing His plans for me and to answer to Him.
Though realistically (mortally) that's not the case.

Now, even more than ever, I feel like He is the only one on my side. He is the only one I can talk to about my doubts and fears and hopes. He is my colleague, my boss, my mirror, my anti-fan, my mentor, and my comrade.

And I don't feel as lonely as I did anymore.