Becoming a mother

I wanted to be a mother. I still do.
Being raised to believe that one of women's purpose in life is to become a mother, I had dreams of becoming one.

In recent years, I don't feel as strongly about it anymore. Fears. Expectations. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

I have fears. I think I've probably said it here before what they are.
To me, they are legitimate fears and concerns. I know people will say that I worry too much, that I don't know for sure, that things are gonna turn out fine.
To me, they are legitimate and true.

These few weeks, the dreams crept up on me again.
I wondered.
How it feels like to be a mom. A pregnant mom.
What kind of mom will I be? Will I be strict? Will I be loving? Will I be present? Will I be fun? Will I be angry? Will I fail?
Will I like myself as a mom? Will I accept the mom I'd become?

With biological clock ticking, I'm gradually accepting the possibility of not having a baby. And I know I'm capable of loving any child as long as I open my heart.

I'm not saying all this to prove anything. It's just that I would like to be given a chance to try. That I recently realized that deep down, I do want to be a mother. Even though it's gonna be overwhelming. Even though I might be a total failure.