Loner

I'm really comfortable being alone. Very comfortable with solitude. I don't mind doing things on my own. Going places on my own. Maybe that makes me a loner.

And I don't have that many friends I call close friends. Good friends yes. But not many either. And we only contact each other sparingly.

My problem really. I don't open up. I don't initiate. I listen and I wait. I don't wanna impose, but I still think I do that a lot. Can't help it sometimes. A contradiction, I am.

I don't feel all that lonely though. Like I said, I like my own company. But I do feel depressed especially when I'm stressed and there's no one to talk to. And like today, I feel a bit depressed seeing fb updates from friends who have an active social life, and active fb updating.

As if I'm pathetic not having that many friends.

Well, maybe to a certain extent I am.

But like I said, I don't open up well. If the can of worms is open that tiny bit, it pours out like a dam and people don't like that.

And I'm considered too serious and un-fun too. Coz I seldom loosen up enough and just fool around. Coz I'm usually considering too much in not making myself vulnerable.

I said this before and I still think so: I'm not a good friend.

I want this to change. I've tried but I still haven't been able to. Though I've made peace with past wounds, the defence mechanisms that has been built over the years are difficult to strip off.

I can take the first few steps. But I don't know how to run the marathon.

Maybe I should go for the friendship workshop kin is going to attend too.