That geriatric illness

I know people mean well. I know they care. I know they're scared.

I have been scared for a long time. I have known for a long time. I have started grieving for a while.

Did we avoid the issue? On hindsight we did, by skirting around it.
Did we not do anything or not take responsibility? On hindsight, by not doing the "right" thing.

I don't expect people to understand how we have coped so far. I don't blame them for not seeing what we experienced and the dynamics.

I might have missed some important perspectives on their side too. And because of antagonism, I admit I have chosen to turn a blind eye to some truths needed facing. Still do.

But that's all in the past. And the way I see it, it's no use hashing them.

And it's not helpful to "share" methods of preventing the illness. It's not helpful if you think that would scare us to spur us into action. It's not helpful if you "tell" us something is good. It's not helpful if you ignore her and talk to us as if she would just be a nuisance. It's not helpful, it's patronising. And downright disrespectful. Though I know the dynamics between her and the rest, it still pushes my button when that happens. And some people wonder why I always seem antagonistic.

I don't expect support from people. Coz the way I see it, they cause more harm than being helpful or supportive. Yet they are giving "support" the way they know how. We just need to learn to accept their good intentions yet reject their suggestions, gently and in a roundabout way.

I can already feel the exhaustion from all this. Not coping with the illness, no. But the fending off of people's good intentions. I have avoided this kind of pushing by being away, and it all began once I returned.

For the record, I do not mind being asked how things have gone, how we are doing, how she's doing. I do not mind discussing how we can cope better. I do not mind them at all if your intention is to be honest and forthright, without going all commando on us. And respect our decision no matter what it is. We have the right to examine and analyse what we think is best for us, for her. And not undermine or condemn our decisions; particularly not be judgemental of our character because of our decisions.

Coz when that happens, I am quite sure I would shut you off completely and not care for one bit or give you the same respect I have for you still at this moment.

Coz I admit that it is a difficult if not painful issue for me. And I am very sure for myself that for me to cope, I do not need all that kind of drama.

Yes, I am asking too much from people. But I'm not ashamed to say that in this department, I am not generous or kind enough to tolerate those attitude.

Someone would definitely say that I should treat them as life lessons for personal growth and maturity. I don't discount that from happening. But I'm at the point where I know what I'm capable of and what I need to be a healthy person. And I'm not at that stage of dealing with this type of drama. And yes, I can be petty that way.

Oh, I would not mind prayers for us. Actually I'd be very touched.