Back home

Everything feels familiar yet not, at the same time.

Feels like I never left. Yet I did.

Feels like nothing has changed. Yet things have. And I have changed.

Feels like I'm back to my old self. Yet I'm not the same person as when I left.

Some behaviours and patterns have returned. And I don't relish reverting to them. I want to build new patterns for myself. But with the way things are going, it's a tough venture.

One of the strangest things is the feeling that I have less time to do all that I want to do. I always feel like I don't have enough time, yes, but it feels different here somehow. As if time moves faster here.

I feel the need to move. To do sth. Almost always. Been idle too much?

Feeling the need to cling on to that wider perspective I've gained the past couple of years. And resist getting pulled back into the boxed thinking this country seem happily oblivious to. I need some kind of balance in this; acknowledge those thinking but not compromising my own principles. And find ways to gently(?) challenge them.

I will not look at this - returning home - as a permanent "arrangement" or linear development. I don't do very long term plans, not even 2-year plan. I say for good. But in my heart I'm feeling it for 2 years. I'll go where I'm led to. I'll go where I'm needed. I'll go where the purpose is.

I'm clear for myself now that Malaysia is forever home to me. Though I know that I'll always clash with the lifestyle and perspectives here. Then again, not one place is absolutely aligned with my preferred lifestyle and perspectives. Yet I know that wherever I'm called to, I would settle in and make a home for myself no matter what, without much reluctance.