Why Special Ed?

The question popped up again when a friend suggested that I apply for TFM. I was tempted to try it out for the experience. Alas, it didn't work out. Timing just wasn't right.

And the question keep popping into my consciousness since. Wouldn't leave me in peace unless I explored it, eh?

So, why special ed?

Initially, it was the need for better services. And the ego side of me thought I can do a better job than what is being done. But that's a discussion for another time. And I had this feeling in my gut to return the favour to these wonderful people who has supported our brother so much. However much my brain struggled with the idea, knowing the challenges I'll face taking this road, I took that step -hesitantly, mind you - and here I am.

Not gonna lie, I've had moments when I wanted to just bolt. I've had many moments of doubt. I've had my moments of regret. And it's not easy for me to deal with the realisation that I'll never be able to support my parents the way they've been supporting me. And the uneasy feeling whenever I've had to stand firm on my ground against the not-so-subtle suggestions regarding my financial/career plans. And the claws of envy and wistfulness that bugs me when I see friends enjoying the things that are a luxury to me.

And I can't express how thankful and blessed and protected I am, to have the kind of understanding and support and love from my parents, to be able to do what I love; and to be able to enjoy some of the luxuries of life.

Why not education then? (for typically developed children) You could do tutoring or kindergarten or enrichment programmes, those make money - which is not always the case either. And you could foster better understanding of and compassion towards the special needs community among typically developed children and their parents and the teachers as the catalyst for change. You could be the bridge between the child with special needs with his/her peers in the inclusive classroom. You could help children with special needs thrive in an inclusive environment. You could advocate for the special needs community at the grassroot level.

Those are some arguments I have whenever I think about doing more for our country's education. Especially when I hear how our parents find it difficult to enrol our students into programmes with majority typically developed children. Even more so when I hear how teachers of typically developed children find it difficult to manage a learner with special needs. There is only so much assistance and influence I can manage when I'm doing it from outside.

And being so trained in special ed, and having so big a soft spot for people with special needs, I doubt if I'll be able to manage other students as well, and be as fair. And that is the biggest concern I have if I do step into mainstream ed. And when I start doing inclusive ed.

Why oh why isn't our country open to inclusive education?

Yes, I understand the debates regarding inclusive ed. And I do admit that there are a lot of factors to consider when implementing inclusive ed. And I think it still needs time and lots of improvement to make it a successful educational model.

But I'm still a strong proponent of inclusive ed. No matter how impossible a task it seems. And I confess that the current reality and my ideal is way far apart on the continuum.

Oh don't get me started on our existing education system. That's another can of worms I'll leave to others to deal with. Well, I have my priorities.

Which is one of the reasons why I wasn't that motivated to send in my application to TFM. I didn't feel like I was ready to take on the frustration and heartbreak that will surely come. Yeah, call me cowardly. But I wanna preserve this passion and motivation I have for teaching. And I felt scared at the possibility of losing that through that programme. Sorry, yy.

Me doing special ed isn't that noble a thing. Nor is it a truly noble notion. And I'm not a noble person. Many people have that misconception.

Nor am I a very patient person.
Nor am I a kind and considerate person.
Nor any of the positive image you associate with a person that works with people with special needs.

To be honest, special ed brings out the best and the worst in me. It has stretched and challenged my limits and pushed me over multiple edges ever since I started and I believe will continue so.

The most difficult element that I've had to face and will continue to struggle with is the emotional aspect of it all. Especially when parents and siblings come into the picture. There is just so much memories and emotions woven into those two factors. And would you have it I had to confront said emotions just one month into the job. Which is a blessing but also the most difficult homework.

And that is almost true about how I feel about special ed. It's very challenging, which I actually relish; though I feel really awful when I'm struggling through it. It's very rewarding, but the journey is always bumpy with appalling weather conditions. It gives me lots of joy and laughter, but it also catches me off guard with sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, guilt, self-doubt, sometimes all rolled into one. I find meaning and purpose, but often feel lost. Though I've had to struggle with me own devils, I feel blessed with all that I've learned and experienced and especially blessed with how much I've grown personally.

Is it any wonder then why I find it so hard to abandon this ship? If anything, I only feel the passion grow and drive propelled and endurance deepen and meaning extended. And while I'm still able and passionate, I wanna harness all these into positive outcomes for this community that I hold dear to my heart.