Went on a marathon of fan analyses and opinions about chaeki's relationship. And in mandarin at that. At 111 pages (including the early 40 pages or so of Maru's love for Eun Gi).
Crazy I know. Until my vision went really blur and my eyes felt really tired from starting at the computer for so long.
Like how I read a book on the computer for a few hours straight just coz I was so anxious to finish it.
As I'm already at the recovery stage of the fandom addiction, this crazy act of mine could be said as one of the final steps to waking up from the spell. The spell of fantasy. The spell of feeling connected to strangers through a common thread. The spell of "watching" two successful and beautiful people falling in love with each other.
But all the more so, it made me realize that I never really came out of the drama when it ended. That pull from this imperfect writing but almost perfect casting and directing, I have no idea why, is very strong. No other drama has done that before.
Yes, I've made peace with the ending and the way it was told. A lot of the dramas I watched, I have issues with the endings, and the plot, and the acting. But this drama, I just am this emotionally attached. Why? Why, when it resembles nothing to my life? Why, when it's not a realistic story? Is it the thematic core?
But more importantly, why do I even bother myself with the idea of 2 celebrities' relationship, when there are romance novels to satisfy my romantic heart? When it's none of my damn business? When there's other more important things in life? When there's other means of escaping reality? When I have other hobbies? Why did I get addicted?
Couple shipping is a dangerous addiction. Making speculations from their words. Observing their every move and expression. Scrutinising their every interaction and behaviour. Profiling their personalities. Writing analyses about their thoughts of all that which sounds very plausible and convincing even. All that which is magnified just because of that nagging feeling that they're an item, or the idea of them being together.
Dangerous. When you don't know how to dissociate yourself from this kind of vortex.
It's one thing to treat it as a fun entertaining exchange between strangers who have a common interest. It's another to start believing in these thoughts as if it's the truth.
Oh..I've done my share of believing. I'll admit. Part of being under the spell. And being addicted. Yep, it's one of my vices.
But as much as I admit that this is an addiction, I could also confidently say that I jumped into it with my eyes open. And knowing when to pull myself out when it got out of hand. On and off kind of thing.
And this time, reading the Chinese fandom's reactions to chaeki, is just the yank that I need. I think they're quite extreme in this. A few notches up in the delusional and scrutinising department. When in the english thread we all approach the matter with rationality and most of all keeping our sanity intact. Which I think is one of the reasons why I continued to go back to that thread. Coz we all have so much fun doing it for fun. Though in the end we might get delusional.
Do I still hope chaeki is together? Yep.
Do I still hope for happily ever after for chaeki? Definitely. Coz they look good together.
I'm just not that obsessed with the idea anymore. Taking the final steps out of the addiction. But still indulging my romantic heart :)
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