been busy, with nice breaks in between. will the rest of my days be like this? then i'm enjoying it =)
have so much to think about. the decisions i made, the reasons why i did certain things, reasons that are stopping me from taking the next step forward, how to expand my skills and confidence, reevaluating my principles, the questions about religion and God, my responsibilities in the house, helping him expand his world, helping her through the fogs.
still taking tentative steps in everything. though i wish to just act with confidence and courage. i know what's stopping me: the fear of stepping out of the familiar path, the fear of messing up, the fear of losing myself being overwhelmed. *shrug*
still very raw in terms of the rules in the society. i think they're ridiculous, though i understand why it's so. i want to not conform, but humans live in a society. *shrug* though i think i'm doing pretty decent conforming-yet-different. well, i'd like to think so =)
still very much attached to this WGM thing though a lot better than before. being busy has its merits ^^ but still very much irked by what's driving KPop. i really hope the current trend dies SOON. it's getting out of hand.. all glitter and lacking substance. though a good mind candy for escapism.
as much as i don't wanna show support for what they are right now, i didn't realize how deep in the pit i am until i saw their footages (especially live ones). though i'm still against what they're all doing right now, and still skeptical about everything about them, i'm still rooting for them. i still get excited like a giddy schoolgirl *urgh* guess i'm really beyond salvation. i tried to stay away, to spare myself from cognitive dissonance, but curiosity does kill the cat, and now i'm in worse condition. oh what the heck, just root for them and damn the rest. but then again, i couldn't do that. dang..such confusion and contradiction.
i guess this will be the last get-together with almost full attendance in a long long while. after this, we'll all be too busy living our lives in our respective places and it'll be super difficult to get together like this again. i really miss those days when we see each other almost everyday, talking and laughing and fretting together. i miss all of you. though it seems as though we always laugh and joke about everything, beneath that, there's so much going on. that's what i love being with all of you. just being ourselves in our most comfortable selves, and trusting each other. i <3 u
it's surreal, what happened to u. i find it hard to believe, but what happened was real. and as much as i am very angry about that other situation, and i do think it's good riddance, i wouldn't be able to understand how u really feel, the extent of the pain u're going through. no matter how i am able to see your point of view, i still hope u could be more harsh. but i guess the best way is still to embrace and endure the pain than numb yourself to move forward. u really have matured. u will be better coz u're strong.
it's difficult accepting the fact that i'm no longer a student. as much as i enjoy what i do now, i miss the flexibility and carefree life of a student (comparatively). and the privileges. and it's hard to accept the fact that i'm gonna be one year older *bleh*
contemplating picking up either piano (again) or guitar. but i don't wanna take formal, paid lessons. i just wanna play for fun, for the kids. no fancy stuff. yet i don't have that discipline to learn on my own from the net. how i wish someone could teach me for free. haha. lazy bum.
cny will come by in a flash. so many stuff to do yet i haven't started anything important. now that i don't have the luxury of flexibility, my weekends are really packed. luckily i'm done shopping. shopping is such a tiring time-wasting thing.
i'm getting more absent-minded. leaving stuff behind here and there. this month alone, i left six items behind at four different unfamiliar locations. though they're not important stuff, i still loathe the feeling of leaving sth behind. angry at myself, really. bad.
i love Muar. i like Melaka. love the food, actually =p should've bought more of that belacan. everyone likes it. but i don't think i'm going back to Melaka so soon. and Muar..definitely going back in near future coz dad said so ^^
i'm really ignorant sometimes. relying on my ears alone is not enough. i should read more.
this religion thing is a headache. it shouldn't be. why does faith have to be so complicated? it should be just a matter between me and God. but family will come into play. some friends will get themselves involved. i know where i'm standing. i know what my questions are. i'm just not ready to face them with so many ridiculous and unnecessary distractions. oh..politics. even in religion. sigh.
i like being active like this. the mind. confronting issues as they are, being honest with myself and others, seeing things as they are, looking beyond the surface, accepting the ugly and the beautiful, being aware of own biases and owning up to it, not afraid of the confusions and contradictions.
i just wish i could be more active physically. dang my body is getting older and clumsier. Lol.
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