Insecurity

often, i find myself wondering about my actions, words, attitude and behaviour, which, when i think deeper about it, is almost always my apprehension/anxiety about what others think of me.

though some of you might often hear me say that i don't care about what other people think about me, it's not always true. if sth i did overcomes the shortcomings of my sensation, short-term memory, working memory and long-term memory, it'll shake me more than the earthquake i couldn't sense.

i'd go home and my mind will work like a faulty tape player, replaying that one section over and over and over again. in this case, that scenario that got stuck in my head.
honestly, once it's stuck there, it's stuck. no matter how many years pass without it ever resurfacing to my consciousness again, somehow some time, it will come back and haunt me at least once.
and i'd feel embarrassed or guilty or lousy all over again. though the impact is not as big as when i first experienced it.

as if that's not all, i keep thinking about what i could've done or said differently. and then i'd feel bad again. and then the cycle repeats itself all over again.

i know this is not a good habit. [if indeed it is a habit, not some personality or mental disorder. at any rate, i guess if i don't tune this down a bit, it might manifest eventually into something bordering that. =.=]
but i just couldn't help it. i couldn't help not caring about what others think of me. i couldn't just stop being publicly self-aware though i'm fully aware of what it does to my self-esteem and self-confidence.
heck, i'm still stuck in adolescent egocentric stage, aren't i?

is this why i'm serious all the time?
is this why i'm so cautious all the time?
is this why i feel insecure almost all the time?

i wish i'd not think too much. but i inevitably do so.
coz if i don't reflect on my actions at some point or another, i'll never learn the art of being with people.
though i can't say that what i've been doing has equipped me with that ability. coz i'm jz awkward most of the time.
and there i am, a psychology student, who studies human thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

And I thought being extremely smart......would take care of it.        Dr. Vivian Bearing in Wit (2001)