a vexed business...this is

true to his 'pattern'...the sky is raging again, threatening to wreak havoc on the ground.

he is the sky. we are the ground.

amazing how one 'little innocent chat' can stir up our deepest emotions. again.

never took his invasion in stride. don't think i ever will either. i wonder how she have had weathered it all this time. really...she's amazing. but then again...she was never ordinary.

honestly, i'm scared. scared of what will come. n how i will react to it. when put in position, i know i'll give all the wrong reactions. but this is me. n i have no idea how this will make me good at what i want to do.

i have every reason to disregard his words, his point of view, his scrutiny.
yet i have every reason to thank him for all of that.

he helps me see the real world. the cruel side, at least. but then...every time, he manages to make me lose my rose-tinted take on the world - one who made me take this path. n i know very well that this is what i don't wanna lose, even when presented with the uglier picture.

i'm scrambling rite now. fearing for the inevitable confrontation. fearing for the future. fearing for my resolve.

but then again...i brought all this on by myself. it wouldn't have come to this if i did what i have to do earlier. if i dared to dream of the impossible. if i didn't fool myself that all will end well. if i didn't run away.

foolish me. no one can put off the inevitable.

but. i knew exactly what i was doing all this while. knew why i did what i did. and no one, not even him, could make me feel less of myself for all that. i just wondered why he couldn't see it from my perspective. and i know that if i explain it, which i'm pretty sure i would mess up the explanation, he would just shrug it off. and my reasons is not something that is so insignificant that anyone could do just that.

i really need my rose-tinted glasses back. god knows i've been shouldering a heavy burden these few days i couldn't even breathe lightly.

why can't things be simpler? why can't i be just super dumb? why must he set such high standards? why must the world weigh so much on power, status and money? why does people always want what they don't have?

doesn't the journey count? doesn't happiness come from the more simple, basic things in life?

i sound helpless and not the least bit positive, don't i? well...it's one of those days.

i actually have the answers to all of those questions and others (more). i've chewed upon them so many times i know i'll do it again and again in future. it's a cycle i avoid but welcome at the same time.

i need to get away. i need a breath of fresh air.

but it's also time to act. time to take charge. fresh air will have to wait longer. better get this over and done with as soon as possible. and also prepare for the unexpected.