Stressed Out

didn't want to blog though i've much to say these past few days.

i'm hanging on a very very thin thread lately. things are taking a toll on me. physically, psychologically, emotionally. don't know when i'll stop functioning.

woke up from nap just now with a dread. didn't feel like facing the reality right now. didn't feel like facing reality since a month ago.

i look normal to everyone. i talk normal...i laugh normal...i eat normal...i sleep normal. but i don't feel normal. i talk about my difficulties as if it's something normal. no real emotions involved. it's just talking. nothing more.

only my family knows what's wrong with me. i'm sorry n guilty they have to put up with the potentially-explosive me for dunno how long already. thank you very much n i'm really really sorry.

tried to control myself since the last near breakdown. don't wanna hurt my family no more. but i know i still am and will continue so. currently...i'm better outside but inside is still a turmoil. it's affecting how i'm functioning. it's affecting me taking on my responsibilities. n i hate this.

n the "best" thing is...i have assignments n presentations due real soon. n it's group work. i don't dislike group work. i like doing stuff in groups. but it's not like the ones i had in secondary school. it's just a group, not a team. n i miss teamwork. very much.

i don't wanna delay, inconvenience, bring trouble to my groupmates. but i have. i have yet to tell them how sorry i am. it's bad of me. i know. but i can't get it past my mouth without making it sound insincere to people. i have a tendency to do that n i don't know why.

i sucked in my midterms. there goes my first class honours down the drain. good job lt. good job.

to quote dr. A: "It's not that you can't study. You WON'T."

yeah...so true. this time...i had no discipline. couldn't make myself study for real. that's why i sucked. n now i'm really angry at myself. mayb now i'd hav d motivation to study for finals?

i certainly hope so.

took a few people's comments real hard. coz i know it's my fault. still feeling guilty and angry with myself for letting it happen n not handling it the way i should.

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aunt n cousin coming down tmr. another aunt is joining us too. it's for the wedding of a distant relative of mine (whom i hardly see. his mom i see every year, albeit a few times only) this sunday. fortunate i'm not goin. it's really not a good time. n for someone's information...i didn't attend coz i have good and very valid reasonS not to. don't question my decision?!

i seriously don't understand why the whole family has to go. n it's not like it's a 5 min walk n 1 hour dinner time. it's a one hour drive AWAY from my house, pay toll fees summore, n d best part - minimum 3-hour sit at d restaurant. sorry...i'm really not in d mood for this kinda stuff. mayb nex time.

i seriously hope i'll be able to concentrate n get my feet back on track. kept trying n failing. mayb i just haven't tried hard enough.

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boring class again tmr. seriously need to stay awake for the whole 2 hours. don't wanna fail my quiz again like last week. i seriously need to maintain my scores at 2nd upper class.

why oh why couldn't she make the class more interesting?? why oh why couldn't she talk with a non monotonous tone??

why oh why do i fall asleep so easily?? why oh why couldn't i summon the discipline to stay awake??

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dear all (especially piggies n jene)...don't worry about me. i'll be fine. i just need to express it out. i've been keeping all this inside for too long. was scared i'd be too unstable to do it n breakdown.

i'll "return" soon =P