A Big Step

was on the net these few days...but didn't have the mood to msn or blog. though i've promised you all my cny and bday entry...

these were just one of those days when i don't feel like being active...mentally.

was self-doubting since last weekend. still am.

i know i'm not doing what i should be doing to realize my dream (though i have no clear idea what it is).
i know i'm wasting precious time sitting around waiting for something to happen.
i know i've lost my courage, boldness, thick-skinness and initiative to take the first steps.
i know i'm too comfortable in my cocoon.

seriously...what the hell happened to me?????

actually...i know. it's just too painful to remember it all...

when will i let go and be who i am?
when will i let go and be who i wanna be?
when will i let go of the stupid, silly, unconstructive, imbecile bitchings those ppl said YEARS ago???

when??

or should i let go of the me who took them too seriously???

i want a 'jie tuo'. i need it.

i wanna move on with my life.

though i've sought closure for the things that happened in that small place...the damage done is very much still hurting me. holding me back.

damn...it's so hard to say it out loud.


*takes deep breath. holds back tears.* here goes...


it's still hard for me to trust people. to open up.

i can't. i just can't take the plunge just like that.

[well...i have...actually. but it ended up nowhere. mayb that person just couldn't be bothered with my conflicts. mayb she thinks her problem is far more important than mine. whatever.]

Piggies...i'm so sorry. i shouldn't do this...but......

yes...i've told you a lot of things i don't tell people outside my family...but

i have yet to tell you how i feel deep inside.

it's difficult.

sorry.

---

i've said this many many times...that i have let go of all the discouraging, unhappy memories of the past.

well...i guess i haven't.

i may have put them out of my mind...but i haven't put them behind me.

or else...i wouldn't have let them affect me this much till today.

---

i have taken this big step. i just need to keep on walking. and i need to muster up all my strength and courage to be who i am...who i wanna be.

i feel much better now. a heavy boulder off my shoulder.